so much to say
by anchora
Summary: / sasusaku / AU. You look around town thinking it's changed, then you realize it's you who's different.
1. prelude

**so much to say **

I just had to get this out, before the manga makes a 180 and I explode.

* * *

**prelude**

"_You only ever touch me in the dark."_

* * *

They know that what they're doing is wrong.

They know that what they're doing is so completely, utterly, and so clearly wrong, that they don't _ever _breathe a word about any of it to anyone.

Sometimes, they don't even mention between themselves.

Sakura and Sasuke's relationship has spilled beyond the borders of professionalism, of friendship. It has swollen, morphed into something far beyond that, into something closer to love and yet farther at the same time.

Their first encounter, they were drunk. A birthday party, for the Hokage—an event where alcohol is so absolutely _there, _that no one even brings it; it just somehow arrives. Caught up in the atmosphere, the life in the party provided by fellow members of the Konoha 11, Sakura was the first one down. Technically, at fifteen she was underage, and she knew it, but why refuse something when you know you won't get in trouble?

Stupid girl.

She draped herself over Sasuke, slurring her words and mumbling incoherently under her alcohol-coated breath. Her small hands squeezed his strong arm, pink hair tickling his nose. Multiple times he tried to push her away, or try to prevent her from drinking further, but Sakura had this energy about her, this way of making Sasuke do things he wouldn't have done by himself. She'd slapped a drink in front of him at the table, green eyes heavy—lidded and a sloppy smile playing her lips.

"Drink up." she said, sliding it closer to him.

Hesitantly, Sasuke took it, bringing the cup to his mouth and letting the liquid spill inside. The taste was hot, sour. It burned his mouth and throat, and when it was gone, Sasuke's mouth tingled. Within seconds he found himself experiencing that familiar feeling of _want, _of _more_.

He ordered another drink, this time relishing the taste it left behind, the sudden comfort washing over him. Soon enough, to drinks became three, and three became four.

Sasuke was not one to hold his liquor.

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The next morning they woke up, tangled in the bedsheets and each other. The bright light that shone through Sakura's windows blinded her, inducing a pulsating headache. She remembered only part of the events that occurred the night before, her memories failing her after the part where she came home with Sasuke on her lips. She'd sat up in bed, looking around to find her clothes strewn across the room haphazardly and a familiar head of black hair on the pillow next to her.

"Sasuke," she whispered, running her fingers through his hair. The male stirred, turning around and groggily opening his eyes. At the sight of Sakura's bright pink hair and jade eyes, he stopped, sat up quickly, and scrambled to leave, not a word escaping his lips.

When they had a mission later that day, Sasuke not once made eye contact to Sakura. Whenever he needed something, he'd ask for it through Naruto, or just got it himself. He did his best to avoid at all costs; shrugging away from her touch, never addressing her, not even jumping on the same tree branch she did. On the other hand, Sakura didn't feel much of anything other than pride. She, Sakura Asami Haruno, 16 yearold medic nin of Team 7 and former fangirl, had _bedded _Sasuke. Never in a million years did she imagine such a thing would actually happen—dreams and reality were very different things. She felt a higher sense of accomplishment than when she was given the title Chuunin. After all, as far as everyone else knew, Sasuke was completely asexual.

The only thing that bothered her was the shame Sasuke seemed to feel at the experience. Any other normal teenage boy would have bragged about it to his friends by now, ninja or not. However, this _was _Sasuke Uchiha, the _ultimate_ emotional void. He usually acted like the perfect, mature adult ninja—except right now he was acting more like someone younger than he. The way he was acting around Sakura right now, it looked like he didn't even want to _see _her after this.

She decided she would change that.

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Come nightfall, Team 7 had set up their tents—one for Kakashi and Naruto, another for Sasuke and Sakura. The setup was almost too perfect, the kunoichi decided.

As she pulled her shirt over her head and climbed out of the sleeping bag, Sakura wondered why she cared so much about what she was doing. Good girl Sakura would never do something like this, much less try and d o it again. Lately, she noticed, Inner Sakura seemed to have a much firmer grip on Sakura—she was making a lot more of the decisions, and not all of them made with good judgement in mind. Inner Sakura was very impulsive and rash, with a tougher, somewhat cocky demeanor. Regular Sakura was sweet and kind, hardworking and thoughtful, albeit with a temper that could get nasty very quickly.

What was happening right now was definitely an Inner Sakura moment.

Sakura slowly crawled to the other side of the small tent, a sly smile on her features. Sasuke was sleeping on his side, away from her. The pinkette gently turned him over, stretching her leg over his side so she was straddling him. When Sasuke felt the weight on his abdomen he woke up, his eyes widening at the sight of a topless Sakura on top of him.

Green eyes glinting, Sakura leaned down, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. When he didn't hesitate she went for it again, on the other side. Sasuke didn't struggle until Sakura slid her hand under the cover of the sleeping bag to lift his shirt.

He pushed her off. "Sakura—don't do this. Not here, not now." he said gruffly, pulling the sleeping bag up to his chin.

At that comment, Sakura felt very frustrated. Here she was, trying to seduce him and he just brushed it off like it was nothing! Ridiculous. Once more she advanced, her eyes hooded and cloudy. Sakura brushed her lips past his ear,

"You know you want to,_ Sasu—ke—kun." _she said, her voice husky and completely unknown to her. This new Sakura, the one who was sexy and daring, this new Sakura could stay a while.

Sakura heard the sharp intake of breath from Sasuke's lips.

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After that, things sort of... escalated. The found themselves doing things behind everyone else's backs—touching and squeezing of thighs under a table, suggestive whispers in the other's ear. Sometimes it varied a bit more; harsh kisses and hair pulling in a bathroom, to full-blown _fucking _after dark. It was surprising to them, how no one caught on. No one ever noticed the way they acted around each other, how Sakura smiled a little wider or Sasuke said a few more words.

But they didn't mind. Never would they tell anyone anyway.

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Sakura didn't know what to do when he began to drift away. She found him to be a lot sadder, a lot quieter—even more so than when they first met—and a lot more distant. When they spent less time kissing and caressing, Sakura became scared. The relationship was definitely more of a friends with benefits kind of deal—certainly not something based on love. It was good for her—she had a way of releasing stress and just enjoying herself.

But then Sasuke started to get distant and cold, leading Sakura to start caring about him as a friend, to let her caring side show more in their private relationship. That wasn't what was supposed to happen—what happened when they were with the team and what happened when they were alone were kept separate. This, this _crisis _Sasuke seemed to be going through was jeopardizing that boundary, although it had been crossed long ago.

.

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"Stop, stop." said Sakura one night. She was lying face up on the bed, Sasuke above her with his hands on either side of her head. His face showed little to no concentration on what was going on at the time, instead he had a faraway look.

Sasuke immediately stopped thrusting, pulling out and flopping next to her on the bed. He was panting softly, but didn't face her.

"What is going on, Sasuke?" asked Sakura. Her green eyes narrowed. "You seem so... faraway all of a sudden." The addressed turned over so he was on his back as well.

Sasuke's eyes closed as he put his hands behind his head. "Nothing." he said after a while.

"No, something is the matter. You've been like this for weeks now, and I want to know why."

"Sakura," Sasuke turned his gaze to her. "This isn't the time for that, just... go to sleep or something." he turned back onto his side.

The pinkette was not going to let it go so easily. She propped herself up on her elbow, looking at Sasuke from over his shoulder. She draped her arm over his chest, pulling them closer together. Sasuke grunted, tried to shrug away with little effort. Sakura's lips were placed close to his ear, and she whispered, "Is this about what happened at the Exams?"

After failing the Exams the first time around, Team 7 tried their luck again. They were successful the second time around, two more years of experience and maturity under their belts paving the path to the title of Chuunin. Not much had changed, such as the written test. The questions were still much too difficult for the average Genin to know the answers to, and getting _caught _cheating was still frowned upon. The tenth question was simply "why do you want to be a ninja?", and those who didn't have a truly impassioned answer were done. They still included the mind—warping Forest of Death, the source, Sakura suspected, of Sasuke's troubles. The first time around They had evaded a close encounter with Orochimaru, but had not escaped the wrath of the Sound Four. Sakura's hair was chopped off and she gained a new sense of self-respect. Their second attempt, however, Orochimaru did not fail to corner them. Although they were able to put up a good fight, at the one moment any and all of the members had let their guard down, Orochimaru had taken Sasuke, planting him with the Curse Seal.

Since then, the Uchiha had not been the same. It was after that day that he slowly began to grow distant and cold, his mind always off somewhere else. Sakura found herself feeling conflicted, over whether or not to worry about this as Sasuke's friend and teammate, or as his not-quite lover.

Now, she decided, was the time to be a friend.

"Don't deny me Sasuke. I can tell that's what it is. Why don't we talk about it?" she sidled even closer to him, only to have Sasuke push her off.

"Sakura, I already said not now."

"But Sasuke—"

"Stop. I just...I think I'd rather be alone, Sakura." Sasuke began to slide back into his clothes, a tight black shirt and regular nin pants under his dark green Chuunin vest.

A sudden sleep crept up on Sakura. Her eyelids drooped heavily, but her mind was still swimming with thoughts. Just as she watched Sasuke slip out her door, she had one last, fleeting thought—

Sasuke had the condom, right?

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A month later, Sasuke left.

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Didn't tell anyone.

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Didn't warn anybody.

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He just left, in the middle of the night.

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Sakura gagged and retched again, the simple smell of the hospital triggering her instinct to vomit. She was shaking, her knees felt weak and all she wanted was to leave. Sasuke had left a few months ago, and she and Naruto were doing everything in their power to bring him back. In the meantime, Sakura was literally worried sick. Lately she was feeling constantly ill, couldn't focus, and had a nagging pain in her lower back that never went away, no matter how many painkillers she took.

Patients were so demanding today that Sakura locked herself in an empty closet and just sat on the floor to gather her thoughts. She had turned sixteen not more than a week ago (her party had been small, but seemed even smaller with a certain someone missing) and the work seemed to have increased tenfold since then. Tsunade was always calling her into the hospital for some new patients, paperwork, or a new technique that was crucial she learn. It really wore her down.

The closet door opened, causing Sakura to fall back, as she had been leaning on it. Shizune looked at her quizzically, one of her slender dark brows arched.

"Sakura?"

"Shizune."

The older woman helped Sakura up. "Are you feeling well? You've been under a lot of stress lately, and you're looking kind of pale."

"Huh? I... um... I haven't been feeling well." admitted Sakura, looking down at her feet. "I just feel so sick, and I don't know why. I've been like this for a while now too."

"Really?" Shizune perked up. "Tell me about your symptoms, Sakura." she pulled out her clipboard, taking a pen out as well.

"Well, there's this nausea that won't go away, just like the lower back pain, headaches, I can't focus..."

"Do you remember the last time you had your period, Sakura?"

The question was kind of abrupt to Sakura, and she caught off guard for a second. Slowly she replied, "Not for a while." her heart sank when Shizune stayed silent. The brunette led her to a room, a patient room.

"Sit." she said simply, leaving the room and coming back with a cup. "Take this, go into that bathroom right there, and when you're done give it to me."

The teen did as she was told, returning with a cup and handing it to Shizune with a shaking hand. Although she had an idea of what the sample was for, Sakura did her best to not even think about it as a possibility. She had no sexual partners—not since _him—_and even then, they always used protection.

Right?

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The twenty minutes that followed were quite possibly the longest Sakura had ever experienced. She sat on the small bed-table they used for patient checkups, swinging her legs back and forth. Her stomach churned, and already she felt the bile rising up in her throat. She needed to puke, but held it down to best of her ability, somehow hoping that if she didn't, it would mean that the voice in her head was wrong.

Shizune came back with an expressionless face and the clipboard in her hand. She flipped up the top page and gave it a quick scan before placing it on the table next to the door, just to her left. The medic sat down in a chair that was facing Sakura, her face still not showing any indication of the news to come.

"Sakura—"

"Shizune-san!" a nurse burst through the door. "We have a whole lot of people that just came in from a high-level mission! The majority are hurt pretty badly, and Tsunade-sama is already busy with many of them, we need your assistance!"

"I'm on it." replied Shizune in a calm voice that was much different from the nurse's frantic one. She rose from her seat, pointing a finger at Sakura. "Stay here, I'll be right back."

"Please hurry Shizune-san!"

The two medics rushed out, leaving Sakura all alone. Now she was even more desperate to find out; how much longer did she have to wait?

Her eyes then settled on the clipboard Shizune had left on the table when she came in, the contents of the papers it held wide open for anyone to see. The kunoichi slid off the table, slowly walking over to where the clipboard sat. The top page was simple patient information—name, age, birthdate, etc. She took a deep breath, lifting the top page to look at the test results.

_Positive._

* * *

**I can't write, you guys. **I just can't, not for other stories. I don't know if I'll update any others anytime soon, but I just had to get this out, hopefully to get over the intense writer's block I've got. :/ I'm sorry about that.

Some of you might think this has been done to death, and it probably has, but the original version is a pretty old story of mine that's dear to me. One night stands and rape are the usual routes people take, so I thought I'd try something a bit more common in teens—premarital sex XD. If you like this story, please leave a review, that would be awesome, and I will try to get over this rut :)

**kristy.**


	2. one

**so much to say**

_the teen idle arc_

I wish Kishi would make Sakura a bigger badass.

* * *

**1**

"_A little loss of innocence..."_

* * *

And, exactly what was she supposed to do now?

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Sakura wishes she could turn back the clock, undo everything that happened, but wishing doesn't do anything.

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She is so _ashamed._

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Everything is quiet.

Her room is quiet.

Her house is quiet.

Her street is quiet.

Yet, there is a screaming, a wailing that shakes the walls, the floor.

Sakura doesn't realize it is her.

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She pukes, everywhere.

It's disgusting.

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_Why am I still crying?_

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_...I don't know what to do._

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The phone rings four times before she picks up.

"_Hello?"_

"Ino?"

"_Forehead? Are you okay? You sound like you've been crying."_

Something about the way she says that sets something off in Sakura. She thought that she had finally pulled herself together and the crying was over, but, quick as a hiccup, it's back. Her whole body shakes with the tears, and it is difficult to even catch her breath. They coat her cheeks and lap, drip into her mouth.

"Ino!" she wails, screaming and shaking all over.

"_Don't worry Sakura, I'll be over in a second."_

Ino hasn't called her Sakura since Sasuke left.

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It is very quiet, when Ino walks through Sakura's front door. It's the first thing she notices, apart from the fact that Sakura's parents aren't there. She waits a second or two or three, listening for some kind of sign Sakura was even home, or alive.

"Sakura," she calls, her voice echoing through the apartment. Ino becomes worried when there isn't a reply. The blonde carefully makes her way to her friend's room, hoping something worse hasn't happened. She finds herself in front of Sakura's room, and places her hand on the knob to open it.

The door is locked.

"Sakura," she says again, voice wavering. "Sakura, let me in."

There is a pitiful whimper that makes Ino cringe, then some shuffling and finally the click of the lock. Ino walks in, taking in the scene before her and immediately wishes she hadn't. The room is a mess, Sakura is a mess. Everything is on the floor — clothes, blankets, paper — and the walls have holes where she has punched them. Her curtains have ragged edges, their end pieces scattered on the floor as well. Sakura is also on the floor, her eyes red and swollen and her face pale. She is hugging her knees, staring straight ahead at nothing. It is only when Ino takes a rightful place next to her and touches her shoulder that she is acknowledged.

"I'm a Chuunin." she says. Ino nods.

"I got good grades."

"I love my parents."

"I worked _so hard_ — and what for? To throw everything away because of how _stupid _I am? How could I, Ino? What good is intelligence if you can't _fucking _use it properly?!"

"Sakura—"

"What am I going to do?" Sakura's face crumples like paper, and she buries it into her knees in a new wave of crying. She cries and cries, marveled at how she still has tears left. "_What am I going to do?_"

In the instant that follows, it is pure instinct that moves Ino, with no thought involved. It is her duty as a best friend to provide strength when the other doesn't have any and may she be damned to Hell is she didn't live by it. It is in the instant that follows that Ino envelops Sakura in her arms, pressing the girl's face into her shoulder and resting her chin on top of her face. At the moment, there is nothing to say, no _It's going to be okay, _no _We can get through this_, because it is all implied. Instead, Ino rubs small circles on Sakura's back to soothe her, paying no mind to the wetness soaking into her shirt or the snot or the screams, but rather to the sudden frailness that is Sakura's frame. The news must have been given to her a few weeks ago, Ino concludes, because she is smaller and bonier than the last time she saw her, almost as if she hasn't eaten anything, or — judging by the vomit on the other side of the bed — purged what little she has. Her hair is dry and messy, pricking at Ino's nose and mouth.

It is then that Ino realizes she does not know what happened.

"Sakura," she whispers, now having used her name more times in the last ten minutes than she has in months. "What's wrong?"

The medic nin slowly stops her sobbing, pulling away from Ino's embrace to clean her face of tears and anything else. She is silent for a few moments.

"I'm pregnant, Ino."

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The news doesn't quite anchor itself into Ino's brain for a while. Sakura? Pregnant? Before today, such a statement would have made the blonde laugh, but the seriousness in Sakura's tone leads her to believe that it is indeed not a joke, but a cruel reality.

She is ashamed when the word a_bortion_ suddenly flies into her head. Ino knows that Sakura would never condone such a thing, because to take the life of something so small and defenseless, something whose heart might have already started to beat solely because of an inconvenience.

Ino also knows that there are only two other options. On one hand, Sakura can carry the baby to full term and keep it, raise it and make the entrance into parenthood at the ripe old age of sixteen. On the other hand, lies a much more ideal option. She can maintain her pregnancy for nine months, and as soon as the baby is born, give it up for adoption. In her mind, it is the best way to handle things, but it is not her body nor her baby.

"How far?"

"W-what?"

Blue eyes turn to face green. "How far along are you, Sakura?"

The pinkette thinks for a moment before responding. "A week, two at the most."

Although she doesn't know why, there is a calmness surrounding her. It is Ino's turn to be calm and collected while Sakura breaks down. She makes sure to keep her voice even and her mind clear.

"You're going to have to tell your parents, y'know."

Sakura nods.

"I'll be there, if you want me to."

Sakura nods again, vigorously.

"You have options too. Three."

There is a long pause on Sakura's behalf. She is revising said options, already making a decision.

"I know what I'm not doing."

"I know, too."

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Mebuki and Kizashi come home later that night, to Sakura's dismay. She listens to them come in, mentally preparing herself to face them. She counts her blessings and is thankful to have a friend like Ino who she knows will never leave her in her time if need, and if anything will push her forward when is too scared to move back. Ino has seen her in various states of disarray and upset, this not yet being the worst. She has stood up for her when no one else would, and has healed more wounds, be they physical or emotional, than even some of the most skilled medics.

Oh yes, Sakura is thankful to have a friend like Ino.

They girls clean up the mess in Sakura's room, having already mopped up the vomit from the floor and the tears from her face. The medic nin's hair is combed away from her face, a fresh shirt and pants are thrown onto her body, and she drinks copious amounts of water should she puke again.

There is a small pocket of time between the actual plan to leave her room and the actual telling of the news, an area where Sakura mentally prepares herself to go through with this, but then she interrupts her own thoughts, telling herself that by overthinking, she will never get anything done.

Sakura takes a deep breath, and opens her bedroom door.

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The look of shock that plasters itself on the Harunos' faces only lasts a fleeting second, before turning into anger, sadness, confusion, and then finally nothing at all. They are silent, and Sakura wishes they would say something, that they would yell and scream at her about how disappointed they are, _anything_, but the silence that continues is suffocating.

"Please don't hit me." Sakura blurts out. "Please." she tries to swallow, but her throat is dry and feels like it's stuffed with cotton. Her heart is accelerating at a speed that is clearly abnormal for any human being but at this point what does she care, it's not like she's going to live any longer.

"Oh my God," her mother is biting at her thumbnail, her mouth set into a frown. She has a million thoughts running through her head and no words to describe them.

"Sakura, you're pregnant." is the first thing her father says, a look of disbelief on his face. His eyes are wide and he is tugging at his hairline as he contemplates just how much hair he could pull out if he tried. "You are pregnant." he's hoping that if he says it enough times it'll end up being untrue.

"Who is it?" asks Mebuki.

At first Sakura is confused. "W-well I don't know a whole lot about it, except that it's l-like two weeks old m-maybe and it probably has fingernails already—"

"Fingernails?" Kizashi is horrified. "You are pregnant with a baby who has fingernails."

"Yes, and I am so sorry." Sakura is pleading. "If it is any consolation, any at all, I have had so many different fluids come out of my face that-that—" she is crying, again. "—I don't even know how I still have tears left! Oh my _God_!"

Mebuki leans back in her chair, her face giving no hint as to what she is feeling or thinking. "Stop crying, my dear. Now tell me, who is the _father_, Sakura?"

Ino makes sure to listen at the next part. In the hours before this, that was a detail that Sakura refused to divulge, and she is equally concerned as she is curious.

The pinkette mumbles something in reply.

"Who is it, Sakura?" Sakura's mother has added a pressing edge to her voice.

With a look of shame and defeat, Sakura answers. "S-Sasuke Uchiha."

It is then that everyone's eyes bug out of their head, even prompting Ino to let a small snort escape from her mouth. "Uchiha?!"

Some of Kizashi's hair comes off between his fingers. "Sasuke Uchiha? I did _not _think the kid had it in him."

He does not make another remark, however, because Mebuki shoots him a frightening glare, the very same one Sakura gives to Naruto. "Does he know?"

Sakura shook her head.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"No."

Her mother sighed. "Well then, I guess that is your decision and yours alone Sakura. Now, have you considered your options?"

The teen ducks her head. In truth, she doesn't know what she wants to do, not really. There are options that she won't consider, and there are options that seems better than most, but it's not a final decision.

"I see." there is a pause. "You know, that you don't have to go through this entire process—"

"No." the answer is clear and sure, in a voice Sakura hasn't heard herself use in a long time.

For the first time in the conversation, Ino contributes. "Forehead, I think that maybe you should put this baby for adoption."

The medic turns to face her friend. She knows that it is a good idea, an idea where no one is burdened with something they don't want or can't take care of, and where someone gets something good out of it. BUt, there is a nagging feeling that she cannot ignore—

"That's the thing, Ino." Sakura replies after a long time. "I don't know if I want to."

"You want this baby, Sakura?" her father has finally come to his senses. "You want to become a mother at sixteen?"

Another long pause follows. Sakura knows what she wants to say, but doesn't know if it's what her parents want to hear. She breathes in deep.

_It is my body. It is my decision. It is my responsibility. _

"...Yes."

"Then that is a conversation for another time." says Mebuki. She picks up a pad of paper and a pen that were lying on the coffee table, jotting down something in her illegible handwriting. "First, we need to schedule doctor's appointments, we need to get you vitamins and there are classes you will need to take..."

"Thank you." Sakura is somewhat happy that no one has chosen to yell or scream, but they have at least said something. "And, I am really, really, sorry."

Her father is the one who has the last word. "I know Sakura. But I am disappointed. I really thought you were the kind of girl who knew how to say no."

"That's what I thought, too."

* * *

**I **started this chapter over and over and got so mad I had to take a break. Hence, the long time in updating. Anyways, uh, kind of drew inspiration from Juno (which is a great movie) and stuff.

I will update faster next time, I promise :)

**(whoops, deleted the chapter by accident and had to post it back up. sorry.)**

Please review!

**kristy. **


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